INSOMNIAC

I had this thought the other night. That's how it starts, isn't it? With a thought and before you know it, you're deep inside a world that makes no sense but in the retrospect defines you. In a similar pattern like every other night, I put my phone aside in a futile attempt to put my brain to rest and go to sleep. I've ran out of ways to knock myself out. Somedays I call myself a selenophile just to stay relevant and sane to myself and my thoughts. What I fail to realize is it's just another fancy word to fool myself the way drugs fool the nervous system. 

Since I couldn't bring myself to gather the patience for a good long sleep or maybe I had simply lost hopes, I sprung into thinking how I had nothing to think about and how everything that has ever existed is pointless. Come to think of it, it's quite an ambiguous thought but I'd rather blame every sleepless night for making me so naive to think about it. I clench the surprisingly hard pillow as I begin to dwell on the thought that all of existence is a facade and when it all ends, who knows what will be left. About how everything will slowly fade away into nothing but darkness. Nothing to be felt, nothing to be said, no voice to be heard, no light to be seen. 

The nights only get more difficult as the thoughts start to take the stage. I try to get rid of them by staying awake but that pops the question of 'Isn't that how I got here in the first place?' The thought quickly turns into the feeling of having to sit through a ride that is built to trigger every single thing that scares you to death. So much that I start banging my head on the pillow, rub my eyes so hard that they start paining or maybe pop out of the sockets, keep my eyes open just to not encounter darkness again on my way to dreadfulness. 

Fed up of these thoughts I simply rest my left cheek on the pillow, put my right hand under it right below my cheek and hold the pillow tightly. My eyes are starting to lose patience as if they are about to give up. I feel like my soul is ready and excited to leave this godforsaken body. I have lost track of time, place and even my consciousness. I can still feel the pillow gracing my cheek but cannot feel my hand. I think it went numb due to the long hours I have been in sleep. I find it hard to believe. I begin to get this urge to open my eyes as if someone wants me to wake up before it's too late, before I've sunken deep into the abyss but I say not tonight. You must know how it feels like when you finally get something you've been wanting since a long time. But was it really just sleep that I craved for? 

I'm still wondering about the end of everything. I'm one of those dogs running down the street, chasing a car no idea how or where it will end. I realize that this must be a dream because what are dreams but an entanglement and over-sophistication of thoughts. But if it really is a dream then something must have to be drastically off. How is it that every thought here is connected to the other and all of it is making absolute perfect sense? I spend more of my time in awe while I might have been levitating as it started feeling extremely light. I no longer feel the hard pillow against my cheek. I try to touch my cheeks to remember which one it was. I'm afraid that if I opened my eyes I'll see myself lying on my stomach with my hand buried under the pillow and my face resting on it. If that is the picture I see, I'll try waking myself so as to be able to get back there to see how it actually feels to be filled with peace but to no avail. Well, I've dreamt of that picture for a long while now without sleeping for one single minute ironically. 

I'm filled with a sense of completeness, like I've accomplished something I've been longing to. I feel confused and excited at the same time to see how things unfold from here onwards. I finally manage to gather the courage to open my eyes but I cannot see anything. It's completely dark. I stay quiet to hear if someone's around but I don't hear anything. I steer my hand around to map the place I'm at. I'm starting to feel anxious. I plan to scream to wake my parents up and explain everything to them as soon as they come to me to ask if something's wrong. I open my mouth but am somehow not able to make a single sound. The anxiety building up in me is plucking off my sanity piece by piece like petals from a flower. I wish this really is a dream from which I desperately want to wake up. I'd rather prefer staying up all night cruising into useless thoughts than any of this. Rain fire on me but please wake me up. I keep telling myself that I'm still dreaming but how can it be considering the fact that I haven't been able to sleep for the past year or so.