MOMENT OR MOMENTARY

I'm back in my bed. Twisting and turning, trying to find a perfect fit for myself to fall asleep. I put my hand under my head while lying flat on my back. I've become a bit resilient to close my eyes as I start seeing things that I would never get to see with my eyes open although I want to so desperately. So, instead of closing my eyes I stare into nothingness. I stare at my roof and in a moment start to go high and beyond that. 

It has been quite a long time since I have been losing control. The nights have something to do with that as I have always hated my days particularly before today. It had been a rather energetic day despite of the fact that it had been days since I had slept peacefully. What makes it even more intriguing is the fact that none of it felt like I had to put in any kind of efforts. It just happened, came and went past like life usually does, in a flash. I cannot fathom how many times we walk past all the possibilities that were once our deepest desires just because someone or some part of it wasn't prepared enough. But we still keep walking, carrying a depthless pit of hope that you had once held in extremely high regards. A hope that tells you to wait at the end of every breath you take, a hope that says it's never over, a hope that asks you to keep your hands stretched or your palms open for you might cross paths again in a moment to embrace that one desire and walk further holding each other's hands. 

This day was nothing short of all of it and more, except I couldn't gather the courage, the energy or the will to walk past it. Even the thought of imagining it end was proving to be fatal when it hadn't even started properly. I was rather surprised to see myself go through this series of unplanned happenings in an unexpected jiffy. I'm still walking and I can see every small detail of the day happening in front of me intricately. But all I can remember is a face, a face so beautiful that the skies turn red blushing, a smile so soothing like it could heal even the deepest of wounds, a set of lips that are weaving words seeming more precious than pearls being woven, the eyes that when look at you make you experience the warmth of a most loving embrace and the presence that makes you crave for their attention and love wherever you go making the world seem empty without them by your side. I try to make sense of it, I try to make it stop moving away from my reach, I try to find a point where I can relive it, I try to hold on to it but it's finer than sand, slipping away from my fingers uncontrollably. The tighter I try to hold it, the faster it slips away. I had never experienced a feeling more fulfilling yet devastating than this ever before. 

I sit atop my bike reliving every moment again and again, riding aimlessly. I am aware of the roads and where they go but I somehow always end up back at the place where it all started. I keep riding my bike for hours, taking roads I've never been on before, trying to go away from this feeling that has been vacating me from all my hopes but these roads are treacherously leading me back. Back to where I seemingly can never belong. Back to the only place I'd want to be for all my life, that has now become more of a home to me than the place I actually live in. It's magical how beautiful this world is but you still wish to see that particular person everyday because they have become your whole world. It's mystically making you realise that it's not a place you crave for, it's that specific someone who has made you feel at home everywhere. Everything has miraculously become about them. I don't want to say it out loud but I can't help falling in love with her. I take a step in the opposite direction to move away but I keep coming even more closer than I was before. Comes to prove that the world is a giant ball. I am still on my bike. I stop to take a breath and start gasping for air. My eyes are burning. I wish to tell all of this and more to her but I'm afraid patience and luck won't stand with me to back me up, I'm afraid it is never going to be enough, I'm afraid it would drain her of the kindness she is so full of, I'm afraid I'd lose my moon trying to count the stars, I'm afraid she would repress all that is inside her resonating with what I've in my heart, I'm afraid she believes she doesn't have to go down this road because she has taken a decision and has to firmly stick by it. How do I convince her that it's okay to drop her guard and trust me? I'm afraid I'm never going to be worthy enough for her. But do you know what am I most afraid of? The fact that I've lived a thousand lives with her and the night still hasn't passed. I cover my face with my hands in confusion. How do I open my eyes now? But wait, I never closed them in the first place.